A Sunflower and A Shadow

It's been a very long time since I wrote a story, especially a personal one about my real life situation. I’ve been crying for days and I have to write this, if not I feel like I will go insane, hence this is to unload my mind. Yes, men cries and women masturbates, deal with it. This is a story about a special lady.

The best thing in this world is to be yourself... but not everyone can accept you the way you are.

The first time I saw her, she was astonishing. She laughs hard, smile wide, and dance like she didn't give a damn about the world. She got my curiosity. I got a feeling that she has the same beast as me. After all, birds of a feather flocks together. But it turned out differently, we are attracted to each other because another element, which is trust. She was having a hard time trusting other people, while I naively trust other people easily. I guess the opposites also attracts each other.

On our first date, she was magnificent. That pearl earrings, still engraved beautifully in my memories. At that time, we just sit by the bar and talking some stuffs, laughing together. All eyes in the room are into her, I feel very lucky that time, to be accompanied by her. After a few drinks, she shared some of her past mistakes and secrets. I am relieved because she trusted me with all of that. By the end of the night, she cried. This is the first time in my life, on a first date, ended with tears. From that moment I know that she really is in pain, and the regrets still caught her. Whenever I look deep into her eyes, I can feel the loneliness. The more I look, the more I’m trapped by it.

Time went by, we grew closer each day, but I found out she already had a boyfriend. Normally I wouldn’t disturb other people relationship, it’s not my style. So I wait, eagerly. Back then, I was mad because I didn’t know about it, but I can’t let her go. Then we met at a Korean restaurant which provides an oven baked chicken. I told her to cut her boyfriend and go with me instead, because he already made her cried a lot. So I keep waiting, take my time and pray everyday.

Then she broke up, hopefully not because of me, my sayings or my prayers. We continued to date, a lot. After few weeks, I asked her, "Will you be my everyday?"

She simply answered, "Yes."

I am very happy with that reply, The Heaven finally back to my course of life. I feel like having my wings back and started to fly. But life as we know it, full of ups and down, it’s unpredictable. We cannot be happy and merry forever, sometimes we need sadness to appreciate life more. Sometimes we need to lose something first to learn the real value behind it.

That time we planned to eat noodles together. The way she slurped the noodle combined with that lips, it’s just so adorable. After that, we went for yogurt. That is the first time in my life to buy some fancy yogurt at the mall shop. Usually I just bought it from a mini market, the cheap ones in a plastic cup. That yogurt color is black, it has a nice sweet taste with extra chocolate cookies topping and the other white gooey sauce that I forgot what it’s called. We shared a cup. Happiness is simple. The sun sets, we went to another place. We took drinks together. We talked about our personal life views.

Maybe I drink too much that night, maybe I can’t resist anymore. I don’t know. I was intoxicated. That incident happened so fast. It’s just like an auto-pilot, I even don’t think about it. One of my old bad habits kicked in. She saw a glimpse of my darkness, she got furious. She walked away without looking back. It was a stupid mistake, but it’s still a mistake and I must pay for the consequences.  I broke her heart and crushed her trust. I gave her another scar. My bad, I fucked up. Makes you wonder about a real relationship. Isn't it fascinating how fragile a human connection is?

Have you ever played an old game called “The Sims”? It’s about life simulation, simplified version of real life daily activities. You can create a character and make them interact with each other. There are parameters in each character, like happiness and trust. The parameter value started at “0”, and when your character starts interacting with a stranger, you can grow this to “100”, into a full happiness and trust with your selected other characters. Then you can make them a couple, having kids until they’re dead. When you’re feeling bored, or you messed up, you can decrease the value back to “0” again, but you can recover it fast into “100” with a little effort, and leave no traumas behind. Sadly, the real life is not like this. When the trust is broken, the parameter could be extremely dropped to “-100” or “-999.999.999” not going back to “0”, and that’s a big negative number. I perfectly understand this, because in my past relationships, I got betrayed a lot, over and over again. My pattern after became the victim of betrayal would be: forgive, cut all the communications, and forget. Yes, back then I burned so many brigdes. Every time it hurts, but I managed to get back up again. This time, I am the one who fucked up. I am the one that’s being cut. Now I know, whichever side you're standing, the one who cut or the one who got cut, both hurts.

Life is confusing. When you're in complete darkness, you are blind. When you are surrounded by bright shining lights without a speck of shadow, you will also be blind. When you love and really care for someone, you will end up hurting her. When you doesn’t even care anymore and ignore her, it will also end up hurting her. I almost forgot how to cry, thanks to this incident, now I can recall how it feels. Maybe we are all really connected in this world through our sufferings.

A sunflower must stay true to itself, it will only faithfully follow the sun and its light. A shadow will only makes it wither without even giving it a chance to bloom. And just like its addictive seeds, with each passing second, I’m more likely longed for her, even though she might not feel the same and continue to carry her life like nothing happened.

I didn't choose to be born as a shadow. Even the devil himself, if he can choose what role he wants in the universe, I doubt it that he would want to stuck in the hell for eternity.

I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I am very worried that she becomes more distrustful towards other people after that incident. If I can fix it, I will give everything. If there’s another chance, I will take it. I really hope we can start over again, from a clean sheet, rebuild the bridge of trust. That is a wishful thinking, because it takes two to tango, and I am still waiting for her.

After that incident, I sleep less and less. Until this writing posted, there is not a single night that I slept without dreaming of her. I’m exhausted by all of this.

Whatever happens, happens.

There’s this one time we went out to the mall, we ate at the foodcourt. I left her for a while, because I need to take a piss. When I got back, she giggled. She told me that she already looked and smiled with the guy at the table across. That guy was with his girlfriend. Then she said, “Why do all guys are the same? He is with her girlfriend but he can’t stop looking at me and smiled back to me.”

Actually that’s an easy situation. First, if I were that guy, I would do the same. You can’t resist to look back if someone interesting and attractive is looking at you, curiosity calls. Second, it will be rude not to smile back. That time I just smiled and said, “You’re naughty.”

The other time, she asked, “Why all men look for physical aspects in a woman?” “That’s the way it is. Men are visual creatures,” my wise-ass wisdom kicked in.

Usually people would ask me: “Are you a boobies boy or an ass man?” Without hesitation, I prefer ass, because that lump is hypnotizing. You know when you look a girl from the back and her rear end moves and turns so smoothly and flawlessly, big fluffy or small and tight, it doesn’t matter, always appealing. While boobs, they’re just jiggling and it’s boring to look for a long time.

I remember the other time we went into different mall, we still ate at the foodcourt though. We ate japanese fast food bento, I ordered the big combo from the menu, while she had her kids type of meal. That time there’s this one woman at the other table, her looks is so-so, but that boobs combined with her tight outfit, it was outrageous. My monkey brain took over, instantly I glared at the boobs. My date caught me staring and turned grumpy. Weeks after, I already forgot it, but she mentioned it again, maybe she’s so jealous with that woman, kinda cute behavior.

I remember the time when we went to the arcade. She played one of those dancing machines. Watching her swiveling her booty surely turned me on, and her casual outfit was simple but smokingly hot. I recorded the moment in my cellphone, I have to, so it can last longer, so I didn’t forget it, memories are frail. But now, whenever I replay the video, over and over again, watching it just make me smile by myself like a crazy little girl.

I remember when the first time she tried ‘soju’, she wrecked herself. That time, I just laugh so hard, because before she drank a lot of it, she said “Taste just like water.” She totaled, her head on the table, her small tight clothes pulled up, her ass crack shown everywhere. Too bad at that time I'm not drunk yet, so I didn't make any stupid mistakes and I covered the crack with pillows and patiently waiting her to sober up.

I remember the time when we hang out with our friends at the restaurant. She wore a cute little sexy tank top, her cleavage want to break free. While she cutely hugging the couch pillow hoping other people wouldn't notice. Why the heck she chose that outfit from the beginning? And yes, at that time, I too can’t stop looking at her.

I like to observe her, especially when she's eating. There's this one time when I was fasting, she ate 'takoyaki' in front of me, and the way she ate is just absolutely cute. Back then I wish I am that 'takoyaki'.

I remember the last new year’s eve, she asked me to accompany her that night. Usually I prefer to stay at home, it turned out that she was doing her job as a part of an event organizer team. That time I look at her and deep in my mind I thought that she got the spirit, to fight, to survive, I can feel it. She was always passionate doing her jobs and activities, except eating. I was joyful when she took my arms and showed me around. She wore a great black dress, it was her aunt's. It was a little too big, but with such craft she pinned it to show her curves. She also wore a cute bra, a dark blue one with white stripes. She wore high heels at first, then she grew tired from running around here and there, so she changed it to flat ones. When the party ends, we walked on a long high stairs to reach the upper floor where the receptionist lobby is located. At first she walked in front of me, then she worried that I might take a peek of her bottom underwear, so she walked beside me, yeah call it as a woman intuition. And she was right, too bad it wasn’t her, it was her friend who wore a cute pink pantie. Damn, I’m such a pervert! Yes, I can't deny it, head to toe, flesh and bone. I’m just a biological machine with a high sex drive.

Some other time, she showed me her smooth armpit, it’s just fabulous, my heart skipped a beat looking at that. She told me how she took care for it, how she shaved it. And yes, armpit is one of my fetishes. I have a lot of fetishes. I like it when a woman pull and tie her hair. I also like to see beautiful toes, especially paired with elegant classy high heels.

Whenever she wore a revealing outfit, I can’t stop to gaze. Usually I will tell her that it’s too sexy, it draws a lot of attention, and I can’t bear that other men will look at her cheaply. But she didn’t care and replied my warning, “That’s OK, consider it as charity.”

There is also this one time, when we were tipsy together. She kept touching me seductively, and then I held her legs, and she whispered to me, "Go higher into my thighs", she laughed. I pulled out my hand. I am such an idiot, I should’ve followed through her wish. Why do women like to play tricks?

Once upon a time, at the cinema, she kissed my cheek then she hugged my left arm real tight, with her whole body, from chest, right in the middle of her breast to between her thighs. I felt her warmth, it was magnificent. Also whenever she’s drunk and I hold her hand, it feels like burning, in a nice good way, and I like too feel her palm and fingers on that moment.

I’m a very intimate person, but I prefer doing it in private. There’s this thing called ‘popohae’, which in Korean language literally mean as a kiss. So we kissed, a peck, in a nice beer cafe. That is also the first time in my life doing that kind of stuff in public. After that, I’ve always wanted more and more, I can’t get enough, but I managed to hold it inside.

Once we did a double date with one of her friend. She wore a wrap choker, and I can’t hold it anymore, so freaking sexy! So I sneak kisses on her back, her shoulder and her neck. It was estatic.

The first time we went to the cinema to see a war movie together, she was holding her pee, and I gave her an empty plastic mineral bottle, “You can pee here,” I told her. She slapped me gently, ran fast to the bathroom, and back right away, running faster than the main character in the movie. Can a woman pee that fast? Maybe she took a pee while standing. Or maybe it’s just another result from my dirty imaginations.

I remember the time when we ate traditional fried chicken. Then we walked for a while to the nearest 24-hour mini market. Can you imagine it? A girl, walking, in the middle of the night, for such a distance. It is rare to find a girl like that nowadays. That one is a blissful walk.

There’s also this one time we stay at minimarket after watching movies together, I gave her a birthday gift. That time I expected her to open it right there, so I can see whether she likes it or not from her spontaneous expression, because my gift picking skill is kinda sucks. Thankfully she liked it a lot, I am grateful for it, and gain a little confidence to pick another gift.

I remember the time when we date at some fancy gourmet restaurant that provide instant noodle with some wacky variations. We waited a long time to be seated. She ate a banana, and I ate instant noodles, what else do you expect? We talked a lot then played a game, ‘UNO Stacko’. She lost, twice, she throwed a little tantrum and quit, and I laughed at her. But the strange thing was whenever I’m with her, it seems that I can’t be angry, I can still get mad though, but not for long. My patience just running extra miles when she’s around.

I remember the time when we ate lamb satay together. She saw an ugly rat got trapped in the window steel bars. She didn't scream at it, she showed no fear at all. She just kept her cool and continue to eat, and that is awesome. But whenever we ate together and there’s a cat below the table running around for scraps, she instantly freaked out. We all have our own fears, nothing to worry.

When she was there beside me, I feel I got a purpose. I was very happy when she said she wanted me to keep her bank account book so that she can save money and then we can take an escape vacation together. That is a future that I’ve hoped, that I’ve dreamed, but fate played it cruel, it ended without a chance to begin.

My favourite date was when we were having burgers together. There was this funny toothpick action. When it happened, I am relieved because she is very comfortable near me. Or she didn’t care whether I’m around or not. I don’t know. That time, her outfit is normal, nothing fancy, subtle. I only focused on her face, her eyes, her lips, her nose, her smiles, her laughs, her facial expressions. That time, I realized that she truly is beautiful, inside and out, I believe so, I know it. Right now, she's just lost and still finding her way to be herself. And after that date, I fell deeply into her, really hard.

A human life is amazing. So much memories have been build in a short amount of time. I will cherish all of this. Thank you for everything.

I miss her so much. I miss the way she randomly send her pics, whether it is selfie or food, or things that she bought recently, or her little innocent cousin actions. I miss the time we talked through all night discussing from shitty things to philosophy, and most of it, of course, it was me just flirting with her. I miss the voice note she send when she was too lazy to type the text. I miss the way she complained to me when she was having a bad day. I miss the way she hugged me. I miss the way she kiss my cheek and lips. I miss the way she bites my shoulder then put her head resting on it. I miss the way she sit beside me and put her legs on my lap. I miss her arms around me. I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice, her gaze. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss every part of her. She opened a new world for me. She matters a lot in my life. She filled my days. My intuition tells me that she is the one, hopefully this isn’t wrong.

I’m gonna carry this weight.

In a relationship, I am a very physical person. Yes, I prefer ass than boobies, but that’s not completely true. The physical traits that attracted me the most is the eyes, the neck and then the ears. I like those three features a lot. If there’s a lady with beautiful deep eyes, a nice long smooth neck with a necklace or choker hanging around, and ears with a good pair of matched earrings that suited her style, it’s just an instant knock out for me.

Is it shallow to look for physical features in your partner? Is there any different when a woman can’t hold her drools when seeing a man with a tightly perfect six-pack abs? Is it wrong that I’ve always craved for physical activities? Is it shallow for this to happen in a relationship, especially before marriage?

As long as there is a body, desires will be born. If I say that I don’t want her body, then I would be lying to myself. No sane man in this world that can resist the perfect ratio of her voluptuous body.

Saying that I only wanted her body is also not the complete truth. If I want a body just to fulfill my fleshly needs, then It’s better with a prostitute, it’s simple, cheap, no commitment, no hassle, but it will feels empty. I don’t want that. I prefer not to do it with some random people. And with each passing time, body will withers away.

Personally, I think physical connection is a deeper step to take in a relationship. The intimacy will brought a couple together, more closer, more comfortable, more open to each other. It will brings more meaningful connections. That’s the ideal state in my mind. Of course both of the party must be willing and ready.

I want her body. Why not enjoy it while it lasts? I wan’t her to be happy. I want her to be successful. I want her to be comfortable with herself. I want her to be more confident, I believe she can. I want her to be the main star on the stage. I want her not to feel lonely again. So many wants, right? But, what I really need is more time with her, that’s all. If we can grow old together, that will be perfect.

Do I care for her? Very much with all my heart, without a single doubt. Do I love her? Maybe. I don’t know. If I love her, I am afraid that she won’t love me back. Is situation like this can be called as love? Or is this an obsession? Can love exist without lust? If so, why there is still this thing called incest? Is possesiveness also a kind of lust? So many questions, and they breed more questions. Not everything have an answer, not everything must be answered. All we have to do is keep pushing ahead in this swift journey.

Wolves, no matter how hard they tried, they can’t live with sheep. There’s this old ‘Cherokee’ story that tell us there’s two kind of wolves living in each every one of us, they’re always fighting with each other for us, the light wolf and the dark wolf. The light wolf represents joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The dark wolf represents anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. Which one will win? The one you feed.

After all these years, I thought I was becoming stronger. I’ve suppressed all of my urges and keep feeding the light wolf. Sadly, it turns out that I haven’t budge an inch from my former weakest state. Such a failure, such a disgrace. I’m just running around in circle. I thought suppressing all these urges is the best practice. The fact is that I am not strong enough. The most hurtful thing is I broke my own principle, I’ve betrayed myself. It’s shameful.

When I fucked up with that incident and hurt her, my first reaction is to change myself for her, but then I realized that’s not the correct path to take. If she comes back for me because I’ve changed into a man that deserve her, then that’s good. But if she’s gone again, my inner-world will crumble apart. So I have to change, selfishly, for my own self. I must become better at all cost, for me, myself and I, nothing else. This time I will not only feed my light wolf. I will feed my dark wolf too. It’s been too long, he's starving. I will acknowledge them and they can share a meal. They both can win together, hopefully.

I am tired fighting with all of you guys inside me. Come, it's time to embrace, you guys can take it all, eat me whole. I have nothing to lose. I don’t want to become a shadow anymore, I am stressed and bored with that same result. This time it will be different, even if I have to abandon everything, just for this one time, I need to become the light. Only time will tell how this all will end.

Good night. Tomorrow will be a brand new morning.

How can you pull yourself out of the abyss if no one is there to give you a hand?

You are your only hope.